I'm a little scared to write this on a blog that I know my family can see, it is after all linked to my religion blog. I have some questions that have to be addressed though.
-Why would any loving God send anyone to Hell?
-The Bible defies all logic, if you believe in God and you believe he created us, why would he give us logic then tell us to ignore it?
-How is it okay to send people to Hell just for being born in the wrong geographic area, and therefore they never learn about Christianity?
-Isn't it cruel to teach kids about Hell. How can you be sure they don't just believe out of fear?
-If you de-converted from Christianity are you ever still scared of Hell or worried you're wrong?
I have many other questions, but I will start with these.
First I have 2 stories and some background. My Dad is a Southern Baptist music minister, he isn't a fundie, but he is a strong believer, he is also the smartest person I know. He has always encouraged knowledge and learning. The other side of my family is a little more fundie-ish, they are still wonderful people, and fairly accepting, but I fear if they see my thoughts they will be very worried.
When I was a child I would obsess over Hell and the end of the world. Until I was grown I had a reoccurring dream that a giant animated stone Jesus would chase me down and eat me, then I would be burning in Hell. I guess it stemmed from the huge amount of time and church, and the fact that I could read before I could really understand what I was reading. Everything seemed literal to me then, and Hell terrified me.
When I was 15 my Mom died. I was in the hospital with her after a surgery, as I was eating a french fry from the hospital Mc. Donalds she stopped talking to me, her lips turned blue, and her eyes closed. I remained calm, I had volunteered there for years and I knew what to do. I called the nurse who was an idiot, she was shocked and just stood there. (she worked on a floor that almost never saw a code). While she stood there I ran to the phone and called in a STAT emergency to the ER. My Mom worked the ER at that hospital and all the doctors and nurses knew me. They got there, intubated her, and started CPR. I ran after that, I ended up in the maternity ward, in a corner crying and praying. I begged God to save my Mom, but I knew she had been down for too long, no way they would get her back. A kind nurse found me and took me to my Mom who had been moved to the ICU. She was alive! I had doubted God before that, I had alternated between hating him, and thinking it was all crap. I have ridden on that miracle since then, when my kids were born healthy I added to my belief, especially when my son was born at 36 weeks and needed no NICU time.
So here I am now, confused, scared, and worried, worried that the miracle I have based my faith on for so long has been all used up. I'm no genius, I'm average at best, but I have always had okay common sense, and that is where I run into trouble. Why would Jesus curse a fig tree? Are bullies so bad that she bears need to eat them? Maybe David just didn't look appetizing to those lions? Why would good people go to Hell?
The first question I listed above is hard for me. I'm a parent, like God is ours, and I know I wouldn't want my kids in Hell. I don't care if they disobey me or say they hate me. I don't care what they do. Punishment should ALWAYS have an end. I can't comprehend a loving God that would send his children to Hell, no matter the crime. If God is like that, then why would I worship someone who is no better than a petty, unforgiving human? This started my doubt.
The second question was about the Bible. Obviously some nutty stories are in there, and they aren't presented as parables. So either the Bible is literal, or it isn't. Either a guy lived in a 'giant fish', or he didn't. If it is all parable, then is Jesus also a parable? The Bible was written by man, how can people believe it's never been changed or rearranged? How can people believe it's all true and entirely there? We know for a fact that the Catholic church altered it and took out books. So I've decided the Bible isn't a good reason to believe at all. It is of no use in a debate, because you can't prove it's validity. If you believe God made us in his image, then how can you think he would blame us for wanting to learn, after all, he made us this way.
I have no answer or idea on the 3rd question, because it really ties into the 1st one. It is wrong to blame someone for something they have no control over. That would be like blaming a 5 year old for not knowing Algebra.
My daughter told me she was going to Hell. Seriously, she said I disobey you, I'm a bad girl and I'm going to Hell. I was so mad at myself, how could I as a parent, let her ever think that. It's abuse plain and simple, emotional abuse. I was terrified of Hell as a child, it is no way to live. If my daughter is going to believe it will be out of hope and love, never fear. I cannot go back and fix this, but I will work to repair it. If you think bad of me that's okay, just remember that I, even at 27, still wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, trying to shake off memories of a dream full of flames and the gnashing of teeth.
I can't answer the last question for myself. My husband was never a believer, his family didn't teach him about Hell, so he isn't worried at all. I think I would be, if I ever decided to de-convert, I think I would always be scared. I also know that I would always wish for an afterlife.
I have prayed lately, a ton, because that's what people have told me to do. I have cried out to God and begged for an answer, for something to lead me in the right direction. I have told myself it's a test, that God just wants me to believe without any proof or feeling that he is real. I don't know what will come of this, but I know I want to learn and gain knowledge. I never want to become stagnant in life.
*Sorry for any errors or typos, I wrote this fast without spellcheck. I would also like to thank everyone who has been helping me with this.
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