I've been seriously considering trying to get something I've written published. A girl that Stephen works with just got a book published, romance crap, but I'm happy for her. She has done something I have dreamed of ever since I can remember. The thing that stops me is rejection I guess. I know most writers end up with stacks of rejection letters before getting a single thing published. Guess I'm scared to hear that I'm terrible, because to me my writing feels shallow, like it's missing something... Depth, detail, empathy.
There are a lot of things I want in life. A better figure, more intelligence, fiery romance, some sort of passion. Most of all I want to be able to articulate the things in my mind. I want to write a book that makes you weep because it's over, and simultaneously feel empty and full. Awash with love for what life could be, the potential we all have. Maybe for some it would leave them full of hatred for what life is, full of boredom, and mind numbing self disgust. That IT factor that some books have.
I'm buying software that lets me talk instead of type to see if that will help. I don't know though, it doesn't come with magical writing skill, it can't make me better than I am. I do get that most people go through this. Artists, musicians, anyone who's work is basically built on the opinions of others is bound to be self conscious.
I find myself in quite a depression lately. I assume it's still hormone issues from my surgery in December. Things are pretty much the same, no new reasons to be sad, that's why I assume it's hormones. Hopefully it will wear off soon. Other than that there is no news, pretty much going to school, dealing with the kiddos, same old stuff. Kaitlyn is seeing a psychologist, it seems to be going well. When we get out tax money in she will be seeing a doc to run some tests and see if we can nail down a diagnosis. I'm recovering from the hernia surgery pretty well, I wish I could be out doing more, but I'm supposed to be taking it easy for 3 more weeks.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Questions and Struggles
I'm a little scared to write this on a blog that I know my family can see, it is after all linked to my religion blog. I have some questions that have to be addressed though.
-Why would any loving God send anyone to Hell?
-The Bible defies all logic, if you believe in God and you believe he created us, why would he give us logic then tell us to ignore it?
-How is it okay to send people to Hell just for being born in the wrong geographic area, and therefore they never learn about Christianity?
-Isn't it cruel to teach kids about Hell. How can you be sure they don't just believe out of fear?
-If you de-converted from Christianity are you ever still scared of Hell or worried you're wrong?
I have many other questions, but I will start with these.
First I have 2 stories and some background. My Dad is a Southern Baptist music minister, he isn't a fundie, but he is a strong believer, he is also the smartest person I know. He has always encouraged knowledge and learning. The other side of my family is a little more fundie-ish, they are still wonderful people, and fairly accepting, but I fear if they see my thoughts they will be very worried.
When I was a child I would obsess over Hell and the end of the world. Until I was grown I had a reoccurring dream that a giant animated stone Jesus would chase me down and eat me, then I would be burning in Hell. I guess it stemmed from the huge amount of time and church, and the fact that I could read before I could really understand what I was reading. Everything seemed literal to me then, and Hell terrified me.
When I was 15 my Mom died. I was in the hospital with her after a surgery, as I was eating a french fry from the hospital Mc. Donalds she stopped talking to me, her lips turned blue, and her eyes closed. I remained calm, I had volunteered there for years and I knew what to do. I called the nurse who was an idiot, she was shocked and just stood there. (she worked on a floor that almost never saw a code). While she stood there I ran to the phone and called in a STAT emergency to the ER. My Mom worked the ER at that hospital and all the doctors and nurses knew me. They got there, intubated her, and started CPR. I ran after that, I ended up in the maternity ward, in a corner crying and praying. I begged God to save my Mom, but I knew she had been down for too long, no way they would get her back. A kind nurse found me and took me to my Mom who had been moved to the ICU. She was alive! I had doubted God before that, I had alternated between hating him, and thinking it was all crap. I have ridden on that miracle since then, when my kids were born healthy I added to my belief, especially when my son was born at 36 weeks and needed no NICU time.
So here I am now, confused, scared, and worried, worried that the miracle I have based my faith on for so long has been all used up. I'm no genius, I'm average at best, but I have always had okay common sense, and that is where I run into trouble. Why would Jesus curse a fig tree? Are bullies so bad that she bears need to eat them? Maybe David just didn't look appetizing to those lions? Why would good people go to Hell?
The first question I listed above is hard for me. I'm a parent, like God is ours, and I know I wouldn't want my kids in Hell. I don't care if they disobey me or say they hate me. I don't care what they do. Punishment should ALWAYS have an end. I can't comprehend a loving God that would send his children to Hell, no matter the crime. If God is like that, then why would I worship someone who is no better than a petty, unforgiving human? This started my doubt.
The second question was about the Bible. Obviously some nutty stories are in there, and they aren't presented as parables. So either the Bible is literal, or it isn't. Either a guy lived in a 'giant fish', or he didn't. If it is all parable, then is Jesus also a parable? The Bible was written by man, how can people believe it's never been changed or rearranged? How can people believe it's all true and entirely there? We know for a fact that the Catholic church altered it and took out books. So I've decided the Bible isn't a good reason to believe at all. It is of no use in a debate, because you can't prove it's validity. If you believe God made us in his image, then how can you think he would blame us for wanting to learn, after all, he made us this way.
I have no answer or idea on the 3rd question, because it really ties into the 1st one. It is wrong to blame someone for something they have no control over. That would be like blaming a 5 year old for not knowing Algebra.
My daughter told me she was going to Hell. Seriously, she said I disobey you, I'm a bad girl and I'm going to Hell. I was so mad at myself, how could I as a parent, let her ever think that. It's abuse plain and simple, emotional abuse. I was terrified of Hell as a child, it is no way to live. If my daughter is going to believe it will be out of hope and love, never fear. I cannot go back and fix this, but I will work to repair it. If you think bad of me that's okay, just remember that I, even at 27, still wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, trying to shake off memories of a dream full of flames and the gnashing of teeth.
I can't answer the last question for myself. My husband was never a believer, his family didn't teach him about Hell, so he isn't worried at all. I think I would be, if I ever decided to de-convert, I think I would always be scared. I also know that I would always wish for an afterlife.
I have prayed lately, a ton, because that's what people have told me to do. I have cried out to God and begged for an answer, for something to lead me in the right direction. I have told myself it's a test, that God just wants me to believe without any proof or feeling that he is real. I don't know what will come of this, but I know I want to learn and gain knowledge. I never want to become stagnant in life.
*Sorry for any errors or typos, I wrote this fast without spellcheck. I would also like to thank everyone who has been helping me with this.
-Why would any loving God send anyone to Hell?
-The Bible defies all logic, if you believe in God and you believe he created us, why would he give us logic then tell us to ignore it?
-How is it okay to send people to Hell just for being born in the wrong geographic area, and therefore they never learn about Christianity?
-Isn't it cruel to teach kids about Hell. How can you be sure they don't just believe out of fear?
-If you de-converted from Christianity are you ever still scared of Hell or worried you're wrong?
I have many other questions, but I will start with these.
First I have 2 stories and some background. My Dad is a Southern Baptist music minister, he isn't a fundie, but he is a strong believer, he is also the smartest person I know. He has always encouraged knowledge and learning. The other side of my family is a little more fundie-ish, they are still wonderful people, and fairly accepting, but I fear if they see my thoughts they will be very worried.
When I was a child I would obsess over Hell and the end of the world. Until I was grown I had a reoccurring dream that a giant animated stone Jesus would chase me down and eat me, then I would be burning in Hell. I guess it stemmed from the huge amount of time and church, and the fact that I could read before I could really understand what I was reading. Everything seemed literal to me then, and Hell terrified me.
When I was 15 my Mom died. I was in the hospital with her after a surgery, as I was eating a french fry from the hospital Mc. Donalds she stopped talking to me, her lips turned blue, and her eyes closed. I remained calm, I had volunteered there for years and I knew what to do. I called the nurse who was an idiot, she was shocked and just stood there. (she worked on a floor that almost never saw a code). While she stood there I ran to the phone and called in a STAT emergency to the ER. My Mom worked the ER at that hospital and all the doctors and nurses knew me. They got there, intubated her, and started CPR. I ran after that, I ended up in the maternity ward, in a corner crying and praying. I begged God to save my Mom, but I knew she had been down for too long, no way they would get her back. A kind nurse found me and took me to my Mom who had been moved to the ICU. She was alive! I had doubted God before that, I had alternated between hating him, and thinking it was all crap. I have ridden on that miracle since then, when my kids were born healthy I added to my belief, especially when my son was born at 36 weeks and needed no NICU time.
So here I am now, confused, scared, and worried, worried that the miracle I have based my faith on for so long has been all used up. I'm no genius, I'm average at best, but I have always had okay common sense, and that is where I run into trouble. Why would Jesus curse a fig tree? Are bullies so bad that she bears need to eat them? Maybe David just didn't look appetizing to those lions? Why would good people go to Hell?
The first question I listed above is hard for me. I'm a parent, like God is ours, and I know I wouldn't want my kids in Hell. I don't care if they disobey me or say they hate me. I don't care what they do. Punishment should ALWAYS have an end. I can't comprehend a loving God that would send his children to Hell, no matter the crime. If God is like that, then why would I worship someone who is no better than a petty, unforgiving human? This started my doubt.
The second question was about the Bible. Obviously some nutty stories are in there, and they aren't presented as parables. So either the Bible is literal, or it isn't. Either a guy lived in a 'giant fish', or he didn't. If it is all parable, then is Jesus also a parable? The Bible was written by man, how can people believe it's never been changed or rearranged? How can people believe it's all true and entirely there? We know for a fact that the Catholic church altered it and took out books. So I've decided the Bible isn't a good reason to believe at all. It is of no use in a debate, because you can't prove it's validity. If you believe God made us in his image, then how can you think he would blame us for wanting to learn, after all, he made us this way.
I have no answer or idea on the 3rd question, because it really ties into the 1st one. It is wrong to blame someone for something they have no control over. That would be like blaming a 5 year old for not knowing Algebra.
My daughter told me she was going to Hell. Seriously, she said I disobey you, I'm a bad girl and I'm going to Hell. I was so mad at myself, how could I as a parent, let her ever think that. It's abuse plain and simple, emotional abuse. I was terrified of Hell as a child, it is no way to live. If my daughter is going to believe it will be out of hope and love, never fear. I cannot go back and fix this, but I will work to repair it. If you think bad of me that's okay, just remember that I, even at 27, still wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, trying to shake off memories of a dream full of flames and the gnashing of teeth.
I can't answer the last question for myself. My husband was never a believer, his family didn't teach him about Hell, so he isn't worried at all. I think I would be, if I ever decided to de-convert, I think I would always be scared. I also know that I would always wish for an afterlife.
I have prayed lately, a ton, because that's what people have told me to do. I have cried out to God and begged for an answer, for something to lead me in the right direction. I have told myself it's a test, that God just wants me to believe without any proof or feeling that he is real. I don't know what will come of this, but I know I want to learn and gain knowledge. I never want to become stagnant in life.
*Sorry for any errors or typos, I wrote this fast without spellcheck. I would also like to thank everyone who has been helping me with this.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
This year
Generally I blog about religion, but I wanted to start one that didn't require any research cause I'm lazy :). I also thought it would be a little bit of therapy, sort of like talking stuff out. So here goes.
This year has been crazy to say the least. I started my Flavors of God blog with my roommate a few years ago, and since then I have learned a lot, and not all of it is about religion.
This year a state icon burned, Big Tex is no more.I can't lie, I giggled that they had funeral services for him at some churches. He was important to some though, something they used all their lives as a meeting place when lost, a frequent guest in family photos, a 60 year old pseudo-friend.
I have grown this year, and I have watched my kids grow. I watched my daughter's behavior become something that no amount of good parenting can fix. Me and my husband (Stephen) realized that we may need some outside help, and that is a difficult decision to make. I hope that in the coming year we can make progress with her and find out if she has ADD, or some other issue. My son will be 2 on the 30th of this month. He is a smart wonderful boy, but I already see in him some of the issues my daughter had, maybe we can learn some tools to help us help them.
A friend died this year. On the 14th of March I was woken up in the middle of the night with the information that a wonderful girl, who had taken my daughter for ice cream on the that same day, had died in a car accident. I remember thinking it was a terrible joke, and being so angry that someone would find that funny. How can a girl I talked to 4 hours ago, an 18 year old kid, be dead? She was my brother-in-laws fiance, her name was Charlotte, she was a champion for bullied kids, and an all around amazing person. Telling my daughter of her death showed me that sometimes parenting is a heartbreaking job. I told her to wear her seat belt in the car just last weak. She of course said "why"? I told her that a seat belt can save your life in a car wreck. She calmly told me that was stupid "cause Charlotte is still dead, she was wearing hers", heavy stuff for a 6 year old.
This year I watched as a battle was waged online. A battle where the lines are very black and white, and almost impossible to cross. The line is between liberal and conservative, religious and otherwise, or even religion and any other religion. It's a war of words and minds, but an important one anyway. One that decides things, like rights, and if we are going to let our country become a Theocracy. I have entrenched myself and faced some backlash from it, but I am confident in my stance.
We made decisions this year. Stephen and I decided to not have anymore kids. I decided to stop attending church, and I decided to quit my job to focus on school. I made the decision to try and fix a family relationship that is so broken I don't know if I can repair it. I think if I had a very frank conversation with this person it could start the repairs, but to have this conversation would be to reveal things that have been private for a very long time. I don't know how to start, but even thinking about it scares me. I hope one day I will be brave enough, but today is not that day.
So that's it, my first personal blog, because typing is easier than paying for actual therapy ;)
This year has been crazy to say the least. I started my Flavors of God blog with my roommate a few years ago, and since then I have learned a lot, and not all of it is about religion.
This year a state icon burned, Big Tex is no more.I can't lie, I giggled that they had funeral services for him at some churches. He was important to some though, something they used all their lives as a meeting place when lost, a frequent guest in family photos, a 60 year old pseudo-friend.
I have grown this year, and I have watched my kids grow. I watched my daughter's behavior become something that no amount of good parenting can fix. Me and my husband (Stephen) realized that we may need some outside help, and that is a difficult decision to make. I hope that in the coming year we can make progress with her and find out if she has ADD, or some other issue. My son will be 2 on the 30th of this month. He is a smart wonderful boy, but I already see in him some of the issues my daughter had, maybe we can learn some tools to help us help them.
A friend died this year. On the 14th of March I was woken up in the middle of the night with the information that a wonderful girl, who had taken my daughter for ice cream on the that same day, had died in a car accident. I remember thinking it was a terrible joke, and being so angry that someone would find that funny. How can a girl I talked to 4 hours ago, an 18 year old kid, be dead? She was my brother-in-laws fiance, her name was Charlotte, she was a champion for bullied kids, and an all around amazing person. Telling my daughter of her death showed me that sometimes parenting is a heartbreaking job. I told her to wear her seat belt in the car just last weak. She of course said "why"? I told her that a seat belt can save your life in a car wreck. She calmly told me that was stupid "cause Charlotte is still dead, she was wearing hers", heavy stuff for a 6 year old.
This year I watched as a battle was waged online. A battle where the lines are very black and white, and almost impossible to cross. The line is between liberal and conservative, religious and otherwise, or even religion and any other religion. It's a war of words and minds, but an important one anyway. One that decides things, like rights, and if we are going to let our country become a Theocracy. I have entrenched myself and faced some backlash from it, but I am confident in my stance.
We made decisions this year. Stephen and I decided to not have anymore kids. I decided to stop attending church, and I decided to quit my job to focus on school. I made the decision to try and fix a family relationship that is so broken I don't know if I can repair it. I think if I had a very frank conversation with this person it could start the repairs, but to have this conversation would be to reveal things that have been private for a very long time. I don't know how to start, but even thinking about it scares me. I hope one day I will be brave enough, but today is not that day.
So that's it, my first personal blog, because typing is easier than paying for actual therapy ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)